Make your partner feel (really) loved

What are love languages?

Five love languages have been identified by marriage counsellor Dr Gary Chapman, who wrote a bestselling book on the subject. The idea is that these different ways of showing love – words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, physical touch and acts of service – speak differently to different people.

If your partner’s main love language is acts of service, for example, it might not matter how often you say you love them or how affectionate you are – if you really want to make them feel loved you should try doing the dishes for them instead.

If your own main love language is receiving gifts, you may attempt to show your love by buying your beloved things that show you’ve thought of them. But if their own love language is quality time, they may smile and be happy about the gift, but it won’t fill them up with joy the way your undivided attention would.

This can be frustrating for both partners, because you keep trying to show how much you care but it just doesn't work the way you had hoped. The good news is, you can turn this pattern around by speaking their language and showing love in a way they'll understand loud and clear.

How to find your partner’s love language

The easiest way to find out your partner’s love language – and your own – is to take the test online.

But if you don’t want to ask them to take a test, you can often still figure out their language.

This can be a little difficult, because if they’re not speaking your love language you may not really notice their efforts – so make sure you pay attention!

Another key clue is what they complain about most often. If they frequently say you never spend time together, even though you sit and watch TV together every night, their love language is probably quality time. If they’re always asking you to help with the housework, it’s probably acts of service that will really speak to them.

Finding the perfect Valentine’s Gift

Now that you’ve figured out your partner’s love language, use it to really speak to them on Valentine’s Day. Don’t worry if you’re not fluent in their language yet – we’ve got you covered with these ideas for what to do and what to buy for your beloved.

Quality Time

• Skip the movie and spend time talking face-to-face, such as over dinner or a picnic lunch. Look into their eyes, listen, ask questions and generally give them your undivided attention. Don’t check your phone or look at the clock!
• Give them a gift that will allow you to share an experience together, such as tickets to a concert or booking a weekend away for the two of you. Just make sure the experience you choose is something they will really want to do (bonus points if you take them somewhere that they will love but that you normally would never go to).

Acts of Service

• If you live with your partner, clean the house before your Valentine’s date so they feel loved and don’t have to worry about doing those chores later. The chores you want to target here are either the ones your partner usually does, or the ones they complain the most about!
• Rather than going out for dinner, stay in and cook for them. Take care with the details, such as setting the table nicely, lighting candles or making their favourite dessert.
• Fill their car with petrol or do something else that’s practical to help them out.

Physical Touch

• Take them to a movie, a comedy show or the theatre – somewhere you’ll be able to sit close together (as opposed to opposite ends of a restaurant table). Make sure you greet them with a kiss, hold their hand on the way to the venue and cuddle up to them or stroke their arm as you enjoy the entertainment.
• Give them a long, slow massage.

Receiving Gifts

• Rather than just getting them one gift, pepper them with little gifts throughout the date. You might give them a small gift when you first see them, such as a wrapped box of chocolates. Then give them their main gift while out on your Valentine’s date and sneak another small gift under their pillow for them to discover later.
• If they admire something while you’re out together and it’s practical to do so, sneak back and buy it so you can surprise them with it later. Alternatively, get them that thing that they’re always talking about but haven’t purchased yet. The more thoughtful and tailored to them, the better.

Words of Affirmation

• Compliment them while on your Valentine's date. To give a good compliment, choose something you know is meaningful to your partner – if they don’t pay much attention to their looks, telling them they look nice might not work as well as tapping into an area they value. You should also get specific. Think “Your boss is really lucky to have you because you’re always looking for ways to improve things”, rather than “You’re good at your job”. Make sure you're sincere.
• Don’t forget to include a card with your gift, and write a meaningful message in it. You might even write them a love letter and read it to them aloud. You could also hide a series of notes in places they will find them throughout the day (tucked in their shoe, pinned to the mirror or folded into their wallet, for instance).

Now that you know your love language, here's how to figure out your strengths.