Find your X Factor

Find what makes you different

Do you water down your passion for vintage comic books because everyone else wants to talk about Britney Spears’ new haircut? 

It’s often tempting to hide our differences and try to be more like other people. But if you’re trying to copy someone else’s looks or personality, you’re heading down the wrong path.

If you wish you were louder or quieter, more easy-going, more academic or more wild than you are, it’s time to let that go and embrace what you’ve naturally got. 

If you’re bookish and smart, own that rather than worrying that you’re not the life of the party. If you’re naturally bubbly and great with people, spend more time developing that rather than stressing that your personal organisation could use some work. If you’re great with details and are a scheduling master, who cares if some people find you a little uptight?

The fact is, there will always be some people who don’t like you – so be yourself and put your energy into relationships with those who do like you just as you are.

Focus on what comes naturally

Sometimes it’s hard to find what makes you different. When something comes easily to you, you might not see it as anything special.

Make a list of what you think are your best qualities – the things that make you different to the other women in your life. Not in a “she’s a brunette, I’m a redhead” way. Focus on the inner stuff – the way you think, your talents and how you act.

You may have dismissed these recurring comments in the past. Maybe your friends insist you could charge for your event-planning skills, but you don’t see anything special about phoning caterers or using a calendar. Maybe when people tell you that you’re “so focussed”, you cringe because you’ve decided your dedication makes you weird. But instead of shrugging these comments off, use them to clue you in to what makes you special.

You might also consider what you loved doing as a child and the situations you were naturally drawn to; that is, when you felt most in your element. Were you always the one your friends came to with their problems because you always know the right way to respond? Do you remember happily playing by yourself as a child because your active mind was more than enough to entertain you? The things you enjoyed before the world told you how you should be can point to what's special about you.

When in doubt, move further away from the centre

Got something to work with? Now think about how you can play up those qualities and abilities. Remember, you’re not trying to fit in here – move towards standing out even more. Ask yourself how you can use your most positive traits more frequently, and make them more apparent to those around you.

A note of caution: this won’t work if you’re trying to amplify qualities that you wish you had, rather than those that come naturally to you. You know when someone auditions for X Factor but they clearly can't sing? That's the effect you'll get if you try to be someone you're not. Make sure you’re putting your energy in the right places. For instance, there’s no point pouring your energy into being as social and gregarious as your loud best friend when you actually prefer to spend a lot of time alone. That’s just not a game you’re going to win.

Become known for your ‘thing’

Besides knowing what personal qualities you want to amplify, think about what you want to be known for. Those X-factor stars have their singing, but your thing could be anything from vegan desserts to watercolour art. It’s important to choose something that naturally piques your interest, rather than something you want to do because other people will think it’s cool.

Once you know what you want your ‘thing’ to be, how do you become known for it? The most important part is to start doing that thing, and then keep going. Start small and build on it. Start a blog or Youtube channel about it. Tell people what you’re doing. Keep practicing, as much as possible.

When you watch a talented performer, their ability seems to have a magical quality. Their mastery makes it look so easy. What you don’t see is the hours upon hours that they spent developing their talent into the polished performance it now is.

You can build up your talents in the same way. The key is not just to clock up the hours, but to spend those hours well by actively trying to improve.

Be nice

No matter how good you are at what you do, nothing will send you crashing down from your X-factor perch faster than morphing into a mean girl. If you’re going to be a tall poppy, make sure you’re a nice one – if you don’t have support from other people, it will get pretty lonely at the top.

Remember, being nice doesn’t mean being weak – you can be kind to others even while disagreeing with them. If there’s someone you feel threatened by, think about how you can rise to their level rather than trying to drag them down.

Once you know what your strong points are, learn how to show them off with confidence.